Our Favorite Baby Books

The moment I found out I was pregnant I began to compile a list of books I wanted our future baby to have in their library. At first I was automatically adding all of my childhood favorites, only to soon find out that some of the stories were pretty messed up (I see you Beatrix Potter). So I started to seek out some new books along with some old harmless favorites (Go Dog Go, Brown Bear Brown Bear, etc.) to create the perfect collection for our little one. Once I found out that she was a girl I started to add some empowering books for young girls, so that she would learn at a young age her value, and be inspired by other women who came before her. I remember people looking at our baby registry and saying “wow that’s a lot of books” haha.

I want Olivia to have a love of reading and a fierce imagination like I did as a child (only child perks). So I have carefully curated her library to include books that are both educational and beautifully illustrated. If a book has less than stellar illustrations it better have a really good message, or if a book is kind of silly and pointless it better be so beautiful to look at haha. But honestly, there are so many wonderful books out there for children these days, and I’ve had so much fun adding to her collection.

board books + flap books

These are your everyday (durable) books that I’ve let Olivia play with and turn the pages from the get go. I didn’t realize this but a lot of books come in both hardback and board book, so when board books were an option I’d get those. I would hate for her to tear any of the pages just yet.

— from left to right top to bottom —

Are You My Mother? this is a classic and one of my favorite books, and its story still holds up generation after generation

Dear Zoo I actually didn’t grow up with this book, but it came highly recommended, it’s a very cute story on finding the perfect pet

Olivia’s ABCs obviously we had to get all of the Olivia books, this one is fun because it refers back to illustrations and scenarios from the entire series

Guess How Much I Love You this is a cult classic, although I wish I didn’t have to say “little/big nutbrown hair” 1,000 times haha it’s a lot

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom I had this growing up and I just love “rapping” it to Olivia haha everytime Derek reads it I get frustrated because he doesn’t do it right

Doggies: A Counting and Barking Book this actually wasn’t on our list but was a favorite of one of my co-workers and it is SO cute. It’s a counting book based on different dog barks. Love it.

Olivia Counts another clever homage to all of the Olivia books

Dot Town - Where Are You Blue? I randomly stumbled upon this one, but the illustrations are really pretty and the story is a fun game of telephone. Olivia loves when I do the voices for each person. Then tend to either be southern or British. It’s all I have up my sleeve.

Fairy Friends Counting we have this whole series and it was an off-registry gift from a friend and I am SO in love with them. The illustrations are made with pressed flowers and other items found in nature and they are just so beautiful and meaningful

Moo, Baa, La La La! this is just such a funny little animal sounds book

Olivia we had to get the OG version obviously

Oh No George! this is Olivia’s favorite book. She laughs and laughs when you say “oh no George!” a funny story about a dog who just can’t help but get into trouble. So cute.

The Three Little Pigs I had issues with this story because in most versions the pigs get eaten and the wolf like stalks the last pig and then the pig eats the wolf (?!) its all very weird. This is the vegetarian version haha where the little pigs run to the next pigs house and the wolf doesn’t eat any of them, and he burns his butt on the pot of turnips and runs away. Also the illustrations remind me of The Stinky Cheese Man (remember that one?)

Brown Bear Brown Bear I had to throw in some Eric Carl classics, and this one is a fan favorite with Olivia. We have a bunch of his books on rotation.

Spot Goes to the Farm I had all of the spot books growing up and I just love the hidden elements, as does Olivia

Your Baby’s First Word Will Be Dada this book is so cute and obviously we have the Mama version too

Olivia’s Opposites super cute and dramatic just like Olivia (the pig not the baby)

Spot Goes to School another Spot classic

Olivia Saves the Circus we love how witty and sarcastic the Olivia series is and this one is no exception

for the baby with designers as parents

Obviously when your dad is an Architect and your mom is an Interior Designer, you’re going to get a lot of graphically pleasing or nerdy punny designer books. Which honestly these are some of her faves. Who can blame her?

Art For Baby so this is a fun alternative to black and white abstract cards to stimulate your baby in the early months, but in the form of famous black and white art pieces

Pantone: Box of Color this is such a cute little set where each book represents a different color with cut outs of objects in that color. I have these spread out on the shelves and didn’t feel like linking each one ha but you get the idea

Romeo & Juliet we have several of these Babylit books and just love them, they are all primers (counting, colors, seasons, animals, camping, weather, etc) but are adapted to be an over simplified version of the actual book. So creative.

Charley Harper’s Animal Alphabet these books are full of his beautiful abstract geometric animals, and it rhymes which I always love in an alphabet book

Counting With Frida this was a fun off registry gift and bilingual counting book, and the illustrations are really dynamic which I love

Fairy Friends Seasons this is my favorite of the series, I just love how each season is depicted

Charley Harper’s Book of Colors another beautiful charley harper book

Alice in Wonderland this one is a colors primer with really punchy illustrations

Pantone Colors this just goes beyond nerdy for any color lover or graphic designer

Dwell Studio: What’s Inside? Neighborhood this is a really fun and modern book that names items in each area of your city: post office, fire station, etc.

My Very First Book of Shapes another Eric Carl favorite, and I just love how simple it is and she has fun matching the shapes to the pictures (or trying to)

Baby’s First Eames: The ABCs of Modern Architecture and Design this is my all time favorite book for babies of design loving parents. It goes through the ABCs of modern architecture and furniture and even has a little kitty hidden on every page. This book was so well done. I can’t say enough about it.

Eating the Alphabet I love this alphabet book from the 80s, the illustrations are gorgeous watercolors and it introduces her to so many new fruits and veggies. We can even go through it and talk about what she has already eaten.

beautiful picture books

These books are my absolute favorites. While she is a little to young to turn the paper pages on her own, she just loves the beautiful illustrations they all have. All of her picture books are either beautiful and inspiring in the message or just inspiring to look at. Picture books tend to be more expensive than board books so I usually find these second hand or whenever I can get a good deal.

I Want My Hat Back so this one has sort of a dark ending, but the illustrations are so beautiful that I sort of just gloss over the fact that the bear eats the bunny for stealing his hat. I just love Jon Klassen’s illustrations. There is a whole series of these hat books and they are so pretty.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie another cult classic. We have this along with If You Give a Moose a Muffin, and she just loves them. They are just so funny and elaborate.

Little People Big Dreams: Audrey Hepburn I love love this series. It’s a bunch of books focusing on women throughout history. I was surprised to learn some of the back stories of some of these women, it’s a fun and beautiful way to learn more about the empowering women in our world.

Home this is such a gorgeous book that talks about the different types of homes you can live in from a house in the suburbs to an apartment in the city to an igloo or a hole in a tree. Again stunning illustrations.

Olivia Forms a Band this one is probably at the top of our Olivia series list (along with Olivia and the Fairy Princesses — which is anti-princesses) because of the sound effects of Olivia’s band. She just loves it! And her musician daddy loves reading it to her.

Penguin Problems This book is hilarious, there is a whole series of them. They teach you to appreciate the world around you and not complain so much.

Mother Bruce This was a gift and it is SO clever. I just love it and would recommend it to anyone. Bruce the bear is a victim of mistaken identity when some baby goslings think he is their mother. Shenanigans ensue.

Triangle I just love this series (Circle and Square too). The story is silly and clever, but it had me at the illustrations. They are just stunning!

Mr. Tiger Goes Wild This book is all about being yourself in a world full of conformity, and again the illustrations are a show stopper. Are you sensing a pattern here?

Little Owl Lost This book is so cute and a part of the same series as Oh No George and Shh! We Have a Plan. A little owl is trying to find his mommy by describing her to a squirrel and it’s just too funny.

Last Stop on Market Street This is a great book about diversity, inner-city living, and giving back to your community. Its such a beautiful story.

A Greyhound A Groundhog This book has absolutely no point other than being a big fat tongue twister, but the illustrations are amazing and it’s fun to read haha

The Day the Crayons Quit This book was always recommended to me and it’s so funny! Each color of crayon has written a letter to their owner expressing their concerns about his coloring style. Very clever.

Little People Big Dreams: Coco Chanel Another favorite from this series. I had no idea that Coco Chanel is the reason we don’t have to wear corsets anymore, did you?

So clearly books are very important to our family, and not just any book. Thoughtful books. We have made it a point to tell family and friends that rather than blinky annoying toys as gifts, I rather her receive books that can grow with her over the years. I constantly have a running Amazon list to send anyone who is looking to give her something. I love to shop small and support local businesses or even buy our books gently used at Half Price, Thrift Books, or yard sales. Whenever i’m out and about I’m always keeping an eye out for more books to add to her collection. I’m so excited that December is around the corner so that I can start her Twelve Books of Christmas (more on that later). What are some of your favorite children’s books?

Surviving the Fourth Trimester

First of all I had no idea what the Fourth Trimester even was until I was in the thick of it all a few weeks after bringing Olivia home. Then it was this casual term that was thrown around all over the internet. Did they hide this from me while I was pregnant? Probably. Pregnancy is so funny. It's like you're not in the motherhood club yet so they won't tell you the secrets until you're there. In the thick of it. Freaking out. And then other mothers are like "oh yeah fourth trimester!" "oh yeah postpartum recovery!" "oh yeah meconium!" ha

what is the fourth trimester?

Basically science has proven that human babies are born three months too early due to their size and the size of their mother's pelvis. Think about it. A baby horse or deer can walk within a few days from birth, but human babies can take over a year. For the first three months after the birth of a full term baby (premature babies will have a much longer fourth trimester as they are having to finish up their third) they are basically just needy (but so cute!) little potatoes that can only express themselves through crying and are still trying to figure out why they aren't nice and warm floating around their mother's womb anymore. So it is our job as parents to care and nurture them and try to closely recreate their previous environment (enter the 5 S's) so that they feel comfortable and can easily transition into this bright new world.

I didn't know about any of this until I was living it. 

so how do you survive?

Looking back I can barely remember it, but I do remember being in sheer panic / anxiety / sadness / joy / fear / loneliness / full of love / inexperienced to the point where I remember thinking I will never have one of those normal happy calm babies. Now that I am on the other side of this hump I am here to tell you that it does get easier. You will get the hang of things. I had never even held a baby until Olivia was born, and I figured it out.

I wanted to share my tips on surviving the fourth trimester (because no one warned me) and if I can help just one person journeying this unknown territory, then that's one less frantic google session at 3am. 

lean on each other

Single moms. Holla. I have no idea how you do it. I was lucky enough to have Derek home with me for the first three weeks. While I was recovering in the hospital he stepped in and learned how to swaddle, mastered diaper changing, and reminded me when I needed to feed her again. He was (is) super dad. That being said, when we got home I still never figured out swaddling (to this day) and he was the only one who could get her to stop crying with his tight swaddle skills and soothing. He was the only one who could put her down at night. It didn't help that I could barely walk, my milk was taking it's sweet time to come in, and I was coming off of a roller coaster of hormones which made me feel like I was too emotional to calm her down. Derek was always there to see if I needed anything, to make sure I was eating enough, to pick up around the house. It was incredible. Then he went back to work. Womp.

don't compare yourself to others

I know. This is impossible as a human let alone a mother. You will scroll the insta feed and think "wow her baby sleeps through the night at 2 weeks old" and "cool her baby is nice and chubby while mine is suffering from low milk supply" or "neat look at how perfectly put together that mother and baby are. wait is she wearing makeup??" Just don't. It is a slippery slope. You have to remember that a lot of people don't share the negative moments and you are only seeing the highlight reel. Sure there may be some mothers out there who actually do have perfectly calm happy babies right out the gate, but I don't know any of those people. Anyone I have talked to has had the same struggles, insecurities, and late night google sessions as I have. Know this and take comfort. 

ask for help

This was the hardest part for me. I wanted to be an independent woman and do everything myself because I knew what was best for my baby. Ugh. I'm not saying have someone come over and teach you how to rear your child. I'm just suggesting to have someone come over and hold the baby while you take a shower or take a nap or take a walk outside. People offer to help you in the beginning because they genuinely want to and people also love holding teeny tiny babies. Take them up on this. We wouldn't let anyone hold Olivia until she was probably 6 weeks old. We were so protective and terrified something would happen to her. 

get out of the house

If you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby with someone yet (that was me) just put them in the stroller and go for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. Or strap them into your wrap and stroll through a park. If they cry, who cares? You aren't in a library. No one will stare at you. You'll probably have the park to yourself because it's the middle of the day on a Tuesday. You both need fresh air and sunshine so you don't go stir crazy. On the weekend have dad or your mom or someone you trust watch the baby while you go get your nails done, go walk around Target, go have brunch with your friends, go read a magazine by the pool, go put a sheet mask on and light some candles and take a long bath. No one will judge you. You need to take care of yourself too.

brace yourself for unsolicited advice

This is inevitable. People have been mothers for generations and centuries before you and they all know what is best for YOUR baby. Some people will have solid advice. Most will not. Yes all babies are inherently the same by nature, BUT the rules and safety standards have changed over the years so when your 70 year old relatives tell you to put her on her tummy to help her sleep just nod and smile and know that you are doing the right thing. Don't waste your breath arguing or pushing your 4 week old parenting skills because they will laugh at you and you won't feel any better. 

don't put pressure on yourself

Parenting isn't a race. Ignore the apps and percentiles and all of the "things baby should be doing at this point". All babies develop at a different pace and you are there to help guide and facilitate your baby's queues. But if you see your friend's 2 month old already rolling over, that baby is a freak of nature and needs to calm down. Your baby will roll over when they are ready. If you see other mom's taking their infants to Europe while you can't even take yours for a walk around the block. That's okay! You will get there. If you feel like everyone is breastfeeding and you just can't do it. Then don't do it. A happy mom is way more important than a breastfed baby. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. If you are feeling defeated then your baby will sense that and never latch or sleep or calm or whatever the present issue is. 

embrace your emotions

Mama. You just gave birth to a human baby. You were a swirl of emotions during pregnancy and those hormones have to go somewhere after giving birth. Prepare to cry over nothing. Prepare to feel so much love that your heart might literally explode but this still upsets you because you just love them so much. Prepare to miss your former life. Prepare to miss your baby that is 5 feet away in it's bassinet. Prepare to bawl your eyes out on the crockpot episode of This is Us (what was I thinking??). Prepare to get mad or frustrated with your baby who. just. won't. stop. crying. Prepare to possibly not feel a bond at all. These are all normal emotional responses to motherhood. They will level out and you will get through this. I found comfort knowing that this was normal and that I wasn't a bad mother for feeling these things. However, if your emotions are taking over to the extent where you feel hopeless, you can't get out of bed, you want to hurt yourself or your baby, etc. please seek help. These could be the signs of postpartum depression and your doctor can help you find the right solution. 

reach out to other moms

This. Is. Everything. But the key is to reach out to moms with children close in age to yours (within 5 years). They will be the most versed in current safety practices, current products, etc. Yes your mom is a mom too but she was a mom when carseats were suggested, babies slept on their tummy, cribs were full of blankets and bumpers and stuffies, and formula was everything. While they are a great source of advice and wisdom they also don't really remember the thick of it all as vividly as your new mom friends will because it was 20-30 years ago. If you don't have a lot of mom friends locally (guilty) then reach out via social media. I have bonded with so many past friends from elementary school, high school, college, etc. that all have little ones now and while we don't actually hang out in the same room, we are there for each other during 4am feedings or when google is just too too scary to face. 

try not to google everything

Okay this was really hard for me. Looking back now it's almost comical thinking about my google search history. "is it normal for baby to spit up during every feeding?" "if baby's umbilical stump falls of early will they have an outie?" "when to take baby to ER with high temperature?" "infant CPR" "baby bobbing on and off while nursing". Everything you google will have a 5% chance of giving you a clear answer and a 95% chance of scaring the living daylights out of you. Call your pediatrician. Most pedis have a 24/7 hotline you can call. We for sure called them way too many times because they would start saying "first time parents?" ha. Lean on your mama friends they have lived it. 

it's normal to be scared

I have been terrified from the start. Even when they handed her to me for the first time my mind started racing thinking "okay this is is no turning back we are parents now holy cow this baby belongs to us are we ready i have no clue how to even hold a baby". haha We took a few baby classes at our hospital and the number one thing they rammed down everyone's throats was the high risk of SIDS. So needless to say that was (still is)  in the front of our minds 24/7. We were terrified to let her sleep alone, we were scared every time she spit up or had a temperature or choked while nursing, we freaked out whenever someone held her without supporting her head or someone was smoking nearby. We googled everything and watched her like a hawk. This is normal and you will calm down after a while. Now I only check the baby monitor every 30min or so ;)

you will get through this

Now that I am on the other side of those first three months, I am so proud of myself. Proud of my husband. Proud of Olivia. We have treaded some unfamiliar territory without a map but we got through it together and I feel like we are such a strong little unit because of it. None of us had any idea what we were doing, we didn't have any babies in the family or experience with babies, but instinct kicks in, support systems are there, and you just know what to do for your baby and I think that is such an incredible thing. I feel like a completely different person now, and I see Derek as a completely different person now and our family has a completely different meaning now and I just love that. 

Our Journey with Infertility

Fair warning. If you aren't into TMI or gory details, this post probably isn't for you. 

After our miscarriage in the fall of 2015, we took a little break from trying to get pregnant, and distracted ourselves with the holidays. It was so hard no to think about those milestones though. "We would have been this far along at Christmas." "We would be having a baby in the early spring." I had actually been pregnant along side a few of my friends and a coworker, so watching their bellies grow and seeing them carry to term was bittersweet for me. While all of these feelings of uncertainty were ever so present, we still knew we wanted to start a family. We were ready to try again.

Fast forward to 19 months later and we still weren't pregnant. We tried all the things. Ovulation strips (although I never really got a true reading on any of my tests), ovulation tracking apps, logging my basal temperature, eating right, exercising, not thinking about it, thinking about it, yoga, meditation, you name it we tried it. It just wasn't happening for us. For me the worst part about trying is when you have that late period and you get all excited, and the pregnancy test still comes back negative. Every. Time.

We met with my OB after the one year mark of infertility, and she gave us a referral to the UT Health Fertility Center. Normally people hear the word infertility and they think $$$ (guilty) which is why my doctor recommended we go to a teaching center. What did we have to lose? Young med students get to learn about this tricky path of medicine, while the experienced doctor is right by their side to guide them and step in when needed. We were both open to it, and in the end it saved us a TON of money. 

In the spring of 2017 we had our first fertility appointment. I had lots of blood work done (8 vials woof) and fainted (classic me). Did I mention I'm not great with needles? Derek did the ol' fun time test with some 70s reading material ha. They did an ultrasound just to check out the general health of my reproductive system and to make sure they didn't see any glaring issues. The only thing they could see were some cysts which I already knew about from my previous ultrasounds. However, based on the technology (2D vs 3D) neither of my doctors had any way of knowing if they were blocking anything, causing any harm, if I had always had them, or if they were caused by the pregnancy. She also noticed a small fibroid, and also couldn't tell if it was blocking anything or just hanging out minding it's own business. All of these words freaked me out and I quickly starting thinking that this was all my fault. She assured us that a this things are actually pretty common and usually harmless. I had mentioned that all of my ovulations tests I took came back very faint and inconclusive, so she did a follicle scan to check how many I had and if I was in fact ovulating. I was. 

After testing my blood work, all of my levels came back normal, even my progesterone. The only thing they noticed was that my MMR vaccine had worn off. This is typically a vaccine you get as a child (Measles, Mumps, Rubella) and it normally lasts about 20 years. It has nothing to do with conception, but if you did contract Measles, Mumps, or Rubella while pregnant it could be extremely dangerous for the baby. Derek's guys were tested and the count was fine, the motility was fine, the only issue was the abnormal morphology. She explained that this is usually caused by stress and is completely random depending on the time of day you test, so had he tested an hour later they could have been totally fine. So that was super helpful. Not. Derek was in the middle of taking his Architecture exams for his license, so we just chalked it up to high stress. After hearing all of these medical terms and numbers, the doctor basically explained that we have "Unexplained Infertility", which is not what you really want to hear. "We don't know why you can't get pregnant." So she walked us through all of the options. We had a dollar amount in our head that we didn't want to go over for repeated fertility treatments because let's face it. Neither of us make a ton of money. Plus we were open to adoption. She explained that the order of events would be the following, if we so choose:

HSG Test - This is a radiology procedure where radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix. The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity. This shows whether the fallopian tubes are open or blocked and whether a blockage is at the junction of the tube and uterus (proximal) or at the other end of the tube (distal). 

Clomid - This is an oral medication that can be used to stimulate ovulation. It works by blocking estrogen receptors at the hypothalamus, which is an important "hormonal control center" for the body. When this happens, the hypothalamus is stimulated to release follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH). These are the naturally occurring ovarian stimulants, which prompt ovulation in a normal cycle. 

IUI - This is a treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. It provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own. It is a less invasive and less expensive option compared to IVF. 

IVF - This is a procedure where a they take the eggs from the ovaries using a small needle and fertilizes them with sperm in a specialized lab. After fertilization happens, the eggs develop into embryos. Three to five days later, the specialist re-implants the embryos back into the uterus. 

IVF w/ donor eggs - This is the same process as IVF but with the use of donated eggs rather than your own.

Are you surprised that there are so many options for fertility treatments? We sure were. I feel like so many people (guilty again) hear the words "fertility treatment" and immediately think IVF and "test tube babies". While that is an excellent way to conceive, it is also more of a last resort method once the other methods don't work for you, at least for "unexplained infertility". I was also surprised at how much insurance actually covered. So many times you hear about how it's all 100% out of pocket, which isn't always the case. You also get to sit down with your doctor and ask questions and talk about costs and a plan of action before even getting started. 

I went ahead and got my MMR vaccine, which was difficult to find a pharmacy that carried it, and it's a lot pricer than a flu shot at about $75 after insurance. Our doctor warned us that we would need to wait two months after getting the shot until we could try again due to the risk of getting pregnant while the vaccine is still doing it's thing. So since we had a bit of time we decided to go ahead and schedule an HSG test to rule out tubal factor infertility (TFI).

The test took place at 6am in the Radiology Department. They had me get into a gown, and laid me on what looked like an oversized dental chair with stirrups. They lower an x-ray machine over your abdomen, like right on top of it, so if you're claustrophobic this may be a little intense for you. They do a quick pelvic exam (fun!) and then insert a cannula (catheter) which is what they use to inject the iodine-based dye. I didn't really feel any of this part, but once the dye started to flow I felt intense cramping, to the point where the doctor had to take breaks until the pain subsided. Meanwhile you can watch everything happen on the x-ray screen. It's basically a black and white image of your uterus and fallopian tubes with a dark liquid working its way through everything. This immediately made Derek feel light headed (he hadn't had breakfast yet) so he left the room get some fresh air and water while we finished up the procedure. The doctor confirmed that both of my tubes were blocked with clots, but that the pressure of the dye broke up the clots so that my tubes were completely clear. To me this was extremely painful. Think the very worst day of your period x10. Luckily it was over very quickly and I felt fine the rest of the day. I'll never forget, as I was being walked to the elevator by the nurse she said "you are so lucky that the dye dissolved your clots. That rarely happens!" I asked what would have happened if they didn't, and she said that they would have gone in with a small wire to remove them. What. That just about made me pass out. Another fun fact. They have you wear a giant hospital grade pad afterwards because you will leak iodine the rest of the day. Yay gravity!

Before proceeding with any other fertility treatments we wanted to take a little break and just relax for a bit. We were past the two month mark (May), and didn't want to put any pressure on ourselves. We just lived our lives. We didn't even use any ovulation tests or tracking apps or anything. We traveled a bit, had picnics, and just tried to enjoy this season in our lives before jumping into more invasive procedures. 

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend and I was 5 days late. This had happened before and I would still get a negative pregnancy test so I didn't think anything of it. My parents were in town visiting and I quietly went and took a pregnancy test just to go ahead and rule that out, so that I could get on with my weekend.

The test was positive.

I snuck into our room where Derek was still sleeping and I whispered "I'm pregnant", to which he flew out of bed and hugged me and we both just kind of stared at each other in awe. I didn't want to tell my parents yet since it was so early and given our history. I wanted to get a blood test first. So that next week I called the Fertility Center and made an appointment to get a blood test and check my progesterone levels. My blood test confirmed that I was in fact pregnant, so they had me come back again the next day to make sure my progesterone had doubled. The first time we got pregnant my progesterone should have been between 11-90 and it was a 3. This time my progesterone was 85, which made me immediately relax and feel extremely hopeful. I went back the next day and it had doubled. They had us make an appointment for the first ulrasound at the 8 week mark (mid June), and for the very first time we saw the little baby bean.

We left her office feeling like we were floating on a cloud. I can still feel the excitement in the room to this day. So many months went by where we longed for a baby we thought we would never have. They told us that the due date would be February 2nd, 2018. 

We were were so excited, but also still very cautious. The numbers were great, there was a baby on the ultrasound. But after losing our first baby there was still a part of us that worried. But also a big part of us that knew this time was different. That everything was going to be okay. We told my parents that night over FaceTime, and then told his parents that weekend when they were in town for Father's Day. We asked our families not to share the news with anyone until after the first trimester when the chances of miscarrying were much lower. 

Our fertility doctor transferred our charts and information back to my normal OB saying that her job was done. It was bittersweet to say goodbye someone who was so instrumental in our story, but I guess that's just the nature of her line of work. After meeting with my usual doctor she did an ultrasound and said that the baby would look much different than the last time we saw it. This was the moment when we completely lost our cool and were just puddles of happy tears. Our little bean was now (what resembled) a gummy bear bouncing all over the screen which is why this ultrasound photo is a little blurry. Our hearts just melted. She measured the baby and decided that it's actual due date would be January 30th, 2018. To this day that is still my favorite ultrasound photo. Look at that little belly!

Needless to say this little gummy bear became our sweet Olivia. I'm going to be honest, we were still so nervous before each ultrasound so anxious to hear the heartbeat and to see my OB light up when she saw the screen. Knowing our history and our struggle she was so so encouraging, rooting for us the entire way up until delivery. We actually waited until 15 weeks to announce our pregnancy so that we could hear the heartbeat one more time (just to be safe). Because let me tell you. Having to un-tell people that you are pregnant is just about the hardest and saddest thing we've ever gone through. No one knows how to talk to you, or how to react. So we wanted to see the baby and hear it's heartbeat before announcing our news to the world. Honestly, we probably didn't actually feel at ease with this pregnancy until I could feel the baby moving. Feeling those movements all day everyday helped me know that everything was going to be okay this time around.

I know that this isn't everyone's story, and that so many of you are still waiting for your rainbow baby. And for that I am truly sorry. As it turned out, all around the same time I had five friends who all had miscarriages and have since gotten pregnant, and these are some of my closest friends. Some conceived naturally, some used Clomid, some had several failed IUIs, and some even had failed IVF. So although I lost a few friends along the way, I also gained a really great and encouraging community. We all know what it's like to suffer loss, to be afraid throughout pregnancy that something bad would happen, and to find joy in the lives we all created after such tragedy. 

I want to break the stigma of infertility. It doesn't have to be a million dollars, it doesn't have to be embarrassing, and it doesn't have to be scary. So your baby was essentially created in a controlled environment? Who cares. If thats what it takes for you to get pregnant then so be it. I think it shows courage and strength to go to such lengths just to start a family. If you are still waiting for that positive pregnancy test, I feel for you. I know that longing and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I have been in that dark dark place of hopelessness. Had I carried to term with our first baby, I would have been six months pregnant when my dad had his stroke, and I wouldn't have been able to travel to northeast Texas to help my mom take care of him that first year. I can't even imagine that being our story. Everything has it's own timing whether we see it now or not. 

A lot of people (family included) think that we are extremely overbearing and protective parents, especially in her early days of life. But unless you've suffered the loss of a baby, you have no idea how we feel about our daughter. We are so grateful and so thankful for the precious life we were given and the blessing she is in our lives. So if I jump to attention when she starts choking, or I look a little uneasy when someone holds her wrong and doesn't support her head, it's not because I'm a helicopter mom, it's because my heart would literally break if our sweet baby was taken away from us. This is a whole other post I've been wanting to share, about mom-shaming by family members. Woof. 

Sleepless in San Antonio

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but after 10 weeks worth of sleep deprived nights. Olivia is finally sleeping in her crib. And she's not just sleeping willy nilly. She's sleeping through the night. That's right. How you ask? Well after sending out a plea of desperation on Insta Stories. My friend Lauren from college recommended the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I immediately ordered it on Amazon and devoured it.

You may be thinking, well I have a two year old who won't sleep. His methods can work as early as 6 weeks old all the way through adolescence. It's never too late to practice good sleep habits. I for one am a terrible sleeper while Derek can literally sleep anywhere, so instilling these habits in your child will help them into adulthood. 

Now in this book there are several methods for getting your child to sleep through the night. The most drastic of which is very controversial among parents, but has the quickest results. And being at about our wits end, I was ready to go to the extreme with our baby girl. What I'm about to tell you may make you cringe, but before you judge us for being terrible heartless parents. I'll be the first to say that it worked, and she was sleeping through the night in her crib without a peep within five days. When I say "through the night" I mean that there is still one nighttime feeding. However, by night three she was sleeping for 8 hours straight before her night feeding. And now every couple of days she'll go 11 hours before waking up to eat.

Here's what we did.

Understanding Sleep Queues

This book stresses that parents are often selfish when it comes to keeping their babies awake. Either from being away at work and wanting to soak up those precious moments when you get home, or being too distracted with the TV, phone, other children, etc. to recognize that your baby is giving you visual signs that they are tired. These queues are your typical sleepy signals: yawning, rubbing eyes, staring off into space, sighing, sucking on hands, etc. Once you notice one or a combination of these signals, it's time to stop what you're doing and start your bedtime routine. You want to ride this wave before their second wind comes along and they are overtired (crying, fussy, unable to soothe, etc.) It's kind of like how you want to feed your baby before they are hungry to avoid the meltdown. Once you've mastered this you will easily know when your baby is ready to go to sleep whether its bedtime or nap time. You should rely on your baby's sleep queues not a clock.

Establish an Early Bedtime Routine (and Be Consistent)

We aim for around 6:00pm. I know this is very hard for working parents, but what is even harder is a baby that cries all night. Obviously it's still super light out this time of year, so we installed these blackout shades that we pull down during naps and bedtime. Your baby will naturally learn their circadian rhythm and start to differentiate day from night (or naps from bedtime). 

Our daily bedtime routine goes something like this:

5:00ish - turn the lights down low and close the shades

5:00 - "last call" feeding

5:30 - bathtime

5:45 - fresh diaper, clean onesie, sleep swaddle (more on this later)

6:00ish - lights off, sound machine on, start soothing, nighty night

We practice this method every single night regardless of where we are. Babies love routines. However, sometimes we have an event where we have to stay out past her bedtime. The book stresses that pushing back her bedtime will cause serious havoc on their sleep that night and the next day. So far (knock on wood) we haven't found this to be the case, but we also don't abuse this. If we do stay out "late" we will get home by 8:00pm at the absolute latest and start the bedtime routine.   

Teach Your Baby to Self Soothe

One of the 1,000 things I never knew about babies, until reading this book, is that they have to be taught how to sleep. When they are in the womb they are naturally rocked to sleep all day when you walk around. All warm and comfy. However, on the outside they need complete womb simulation in order to sleep. So after the first sleepless night (when she was about 5 days old) we made the mistake of bending over backwards to do everything we could to recreate this womb-like environment for her. Which resorted to her being swaddled in Derek's arms as he rocked her to sleep on the sofa. all. night. long.  We made him a pillow nest that was encouraged by our pediatrician for "safe sleeping", and every night he would hold her while she sucked on his finger listening to white noise. Snug as a bug in a freaking rug. 

The book explains that you want to soothe your baby to a point of a "sleepy but awake state". So many parents put their babies down asleep and then scoop them back up the second they start crying (guilty). However, if you put your baby down asleep they will never learn the skill of self soothing. Therefore when they wake they will cry and cry until someone soothes them. What is self soothing? All babies differ, but in our case Olivia likes to suck on her little fists and rub her cheeks until she falls asleep.

Enter the most amazing baby product ever invented.

The Magic Sleep Swaddle to End All Sleep Swaddles

Disclaimer: this is not sponsored by Love to Dream, I really am just honestly obsessed with this product. 

So swaddling is fine and dandy if you have a good sleeper (or if your baby isn't a swaddle busting ninja). However, if you're like the rest of us your baby will never learn to self soothe if their hands are pinned down at their sides. So you can either swaddle them with their hand up by their mouth, or just get one of these. I've never met a baby product that has worked so well so quickly. This guy does what it says it will do to the point where Olivia will immediately start sucking on her hands (we call them flippers) the second I start putting it on her. We implemented this on the third night which is when she slept for a solid 8 hours without waking. Before that the longest she would sleep on her own was 3 or 4 hours tops.

Full Extinction

Okay enough stalling. As I said earlier, the book provides several different methods for getting your baby to sleep through the night after you have put them down sleepy but awake. And as I mentioned before we went with the harshest method with the quickest results. 

Okay here we go. Are you sitting down? 

After you put your baby down sleepy but awake you leave the room, close the door, and don't go back into the room until they wake for the middle of the night feeding. Yep. You let them cry it out. How long? For as long as it takes. This was worse than childbirth. Derek and I literally had to stop one another from caving and rescuing her. We didn't watch the baby monitor, we put a movie on and pretended to watch it. But as the book states, you are not hurting your baby by letting them cry. You are hurting them by depriving them of sleep. 

Here are our results:

Day 1

Crying: 70 min (I know. Bare with me.)

Sleep: 3hrs - feed - 3hrs - feed - 2hrs

Day 2

Crying: 60 min

Sleep: 4hrs - feed - 4hrs

Day 3

Crying: 32 min

Sleep: 8hrs - feed - 3hrs

Day 4

Crying: 20 min

Sleep: 8hrs - feed - 4hrs

Day 5

Crying: 10 min

Sleep: 9hrs - feed - 3hrs

Day 6

Crying: 15 min

Sleep: 6hrs - feed - 5hrs

Day 7

Crying: 5 min

Sleep: 11hrs

So yeah. The first two nights are rough. But as you can see from our results there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And now when we look at the monitor we just see our little girl sleeping soundly in her sleep swaddle. In her favorite position. Her head jammed up against the crib railing. Go figure.

Night Feeding

For her night feedings there is minimal stimulation. This is not social hour, it's a "business feeding". When Olivia wakes I turn on the hall light, go into her room leaving it dark. I turn down the sound machine to it's lowest volume. I pick her up, kiss her cheek, change her diaper, zip her back into her sleep swaddle, and feed her in almost darkness with just the hall light creeping in. Afterwards I turn the sound machine back up, I burp her, kiss her again, lay her back down, and close the door. Even from the first night of training she immediately fell back to sleep after her night feeding. 

Regular Napping with Limited Wakefullness

Another thing I didn't know is that babies require A TON of sleep. It varies by age, but even at 3 months we're talking about 16-17 hours a day. So with her average of about 12 hours of nighttime sleep, this still leaves 4 hours of sleep that has to happen during the day. At the beginning she would automatically sleep during the day with little to no soothing. But now with there being so much to see and do, I have to soothe her pretty heavily before each nap. 

Here is our typical schedule:

5:00 am - wake / change / business feeing (pretend it's still nighttime)

5:30 am - early morning nap (I usually sleep during this)

8:30 am - wake / change / business feeding

9:00 am - mid morning nap

9:30 am - wake / change / greet the day / feed / activity

11:00 am - early afternoon nap

12:30 pm - wake / change / feed / activity

1:45 pm - mid afternoon nap

2:45 pm - wake / change / feed / activity

4:00 pm - late afternoon nap (optional)

4:45 pm - wake / change / feed / bath

6:00 pm - bedtime 

She tends to sleep for about 40min to an hour during each nap, so at the end of the day we hit that 16-17 hour mark of sleep, which is the goal. At first I had her in my arms for all of her naps other than the early morning nap. But as each week has gone by I've slowly transitioned each nap to the crib and now she's 100% sleeping in the crib.

Have Confidence That a Well Rested Baby is a Healthier Happier Baby

After the second day of training we immediately saw that we had a completely different baby. Rather than screaming bloody murder when she awoke (even in her daddy's arms), she quietly chatters to herself until you walk into her room, and then gives you THE biggest smile. She is happy and alert all day, when before we were terrified to even take a phone call, go out in public, or have company over in fear that she was just going to start screaming. To this day she never cries after waking up. She barely cries when we put her down, and if she does it's usually because she's over tired and we missed her sleep queues. I'm not saying this is a fool proof method, but after seeing results almost immediately, I felt selfish not sharing our experience.

Note: I am not a sleep expert, you should definitely read this book before attempting anything especially if you have an overly fussy / colicky baby. Also, a lot of people (guilty again) resort to the stroller, car rides, etc. for sleeping. Which is fine and dandy for short naps. But as the book states this is not quality sleep and shouldn't be a crutch. You won't see real change until your baby get's solid and sound sleep.

Has anyone tried a similar method? What worked for you?

Olivia West's Birth Story

To preface, I had no idea what to expect child birth to be like. I had heard so many stories from so many different people. And my Type-A personality couldn't really handle the uncertainty and mysterious timeline of it all. People would always say "women have been doing this for centuries" "our bodies are made to do this" but I had my doubts. Maybe I would be the one anomoly that couldn't live up to the task. Maybe I would just keep this baby inside forever. They would just become a part of me. However, after going through this experinece. I couldn't be prouder of myself and my body. It was such an empowering moment. Also. I left out all of the gory details so this post doesn't make you pass out or throw up. But I will have a post about the raw truth of childbirth that most people don't tell you about. I would have liked to have been prepared for that part. But that post is for another day. And I will warn you in advance. 

Before I dive into the birth story, I first need to give you a little backstory. So I am a 4th generation breech baby, and we assumed that Baby Klepac would be too. However, according to my OB this is not hereditary and is totally random. But I had my doubts. I mean. 4 generations. Plus I was kind of pumped to have a c-section. A planned date, no pushing, etc. Although after taking our birthing classes and seeing a few videos on natural childbirth, I was mentally preparing myself for a vaginal birth just in case, and I was actually excited about it. It didn't look that bad.

Surprise surprise at my 34 week appointment this baby was officially breech. I knew it. Even though the baby could still turn on their own, we went ahead and scheduled a c-section for January 25th just in case. Surgery dates book up fast you know. My OB said that if the baby didn't turn by 36 weeks then they probably wouldn't because they would be running out of room. She also said that there were several remedies I could do in order to get the baby to turn, but they all either sounded really scary or really made up. Each day I could still feel the baby in the same position so I was convinced that they weren't going to turn on their own and that a c-section was going to be our story. At my 36 week appointment I was mentally prepared for a c-section. Surprise again! The baby turned and was now head down. I was so confused because I could feel two large masses in my rib cage which made me think that the baby was sideways, but apparently that was their back and butt and not their head (which now makes a lot of sense knowing how our baby likes to sleep outside of the womb). So then I had to re-get my game face on for a vaginal delivery. As a planner, this flip flopping was stressing me out. So we held the January 25th date just in case, but if baby stayed head down then we would just cancel the c-section and let nature take its course.

The weeks went by and January 25th came and went. I attended my weekly appointments but I was still only 1cm dilated at each visit and the baby's head was still high, and really never "dropped" which I knew because I could feel so much pressure in my lungs and ribcage, so we were thinking that they could still turn back into the breech position. There was even a pool going on at my office where my co-workers were trying to guess the due date, and as each day passed another person would come up to me and say "you were supposed to have the baby yesterday!" or "wow you're still here" every. single. day. Needless to say I was feeling pretty big with my January 31st due date right around the corner. I was constantly having people tell me how huge and tired I looked (thanks for that lady in the elevator), and having to get up and pee every 10 minutes. I had been taken off all projects at work because no one knew when I would just vanish one day. So I was pretty much ready to have this baby any day now. 

The morning of Monday, January 29th I woke up at 6:00am with intense cramping. Was this a contraction? I had clearly never felt one before but was told it feels like heavy cramping. I got out my little contraction app and started timing them. We were told in our birthing class to call the OB when your contractions are 1 minute long and 5 minutes apart and that it has been consistently this way for an hour. Well mine were on average 40 seconds long and 2-3 minutes apart. Which totally threw me off. They were too short and too close together and not very consistent. I didn't want to go all the way to the hospital (a 30min drive) if they were just Braxton Hicks, so after texting a few of my mommy friends and doing some quick googling, I drank a TON of water and they slowed down big time. Like 10-20min apart. So I decided to go into work anyway. By the time I got to the office they were a few hours apart. By lunchtime they were completely gone. Yep I guess they were Braxton Hicks!

That evening around 11:00pm I started feeling them again but this time they were quite painful and spaced out evenly. I let them go on for a few hours and drank a ton of water again to see if they would stop. By 2:00am I had just about had enough and they felt like they weren't going away. Since it was the middle of the night, we called the on-call doctor (who was clearly sleeping) and she said "yep that sounds like labor!" I still wasn't convinced. But we grabbed our hospital bags and told Geoffrey we'd be right back assuming they were Braxton Hicks again. Luckily at that time of night no one is on the road, so we made it to the hospital in 15 minutes. Since it was so late we had to stop by the ER first to get examined. That place was a ghost town. All of the lights were dimmed and we were the only people there. It was actually pretty relaxing for an ER. They had me change into a gown and as I was walking back to my little triage bay I lost a bunch of blood. Derek just about passed out. They went ahead and examined my progress and I was already 5cm dilated! Okay. This was it. Go time!

They admitted me and we waited in the triage bay until a room opened up. Fun Fact: the next day (my actual due date) was not only a full moon, it was a super moon, a blue moon, and a lunar eclipse. According to the nurses there are the most births during a full moon, and all of these other moon things were just adding to the chaos so the L&D rooms were completely full. We finally got settled into our room around 4:00am and met the nurse who would be my person for the next couple of hours before the shift change around 7:00am. I don't even remember her name I was so out of it. It was actually kind of peaceful to be in labor in the wee hours of the morning. Everything was so quiet and calm. I just kept watching the heartrate monitor that ended up putting me to sleep ha. 

My birth plan was to go completely natural and drug free, however if the pain was too much then I was on board with having an epidural at that point. But I really wanted to experience as much as possible and I had no idea what to expect. It was around 5:00am when I started thinking about how I hadn't slept since the night before (Sunday night) and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me. So I opted for the epidural so that I could get some sleep before the real fun started. A little side bar about epidurals. These aren't your mom's epidurals. They are sort of like a slow drip constant that you can add to as much as you need depending on your pain level. Sort of like a morphine drip. So there aren't "its too late" windows or "it ran out of juice" scenarios anymore. I had them set it to the lowest setting so that I could still feel the contractions and feel that labor was progressing, but that it would help take the edge off so that I could maybe get a little nap in. The anesthesiologist came in and told us that I was his last patient of the day after a 24hour shift. That probably should have been a red flag right there, but I was tired and didn't think twice about it. I have a huge needle phobia, and you'd think it would have gotten better after being a pin cushion during my pregnancy, but nope. The fear was still very real. The actual epidural didn't hurt, but the numbing shot beforehand felt like a little fire ant bite. Snaking in the epidural catheter actually felt like someone was lightly tickling my back. Such a weird sensation. I almost immediately felt my right leg go numb while my left was still fully functioning. They told me that epidurals tend to "choose a side" and that the other side would kick in soon. I tried to take a little nap but I was interrupted by the nurse every 15 minutes to check progress and vitals and the baby's heartbeat. Derek took this downtime to go home and pick up Geoffrey to take to our friends' house for his puppy slumber party while we were in the hospital. By the time he got back (about an hour later) I could feel everything. And it was 10x as intense as before. I tried boosting the epidural. Nothing. We even maxed it out and nothing. In fact my right leg was now only numb around my calf and that was it. We had the new post-shift-change anesthesiologist come and relocate the epidural. Still nothing. They asked me if I wanted to replace the epidural with a brand new one and essentially start over. I was already freaked out about the complications associated with epidurals so I really didn't want to press my luck having a second one inserted. I took this as a sign that I was meant to do this as I had originally planned: 100% natural.

Luckily since it was now the next day Tuesday January 30th, and I'd most likely be delivering during normal business hours, I was able to have my OB there rather than the sleepy on call doctor. And can I just say that my OB is seriously just the best in these types of situations. She literally makes you feel like you can do anything. After the 7:00am shift change, I had THE most amazing nurse Samantha (Sam) and a student nurse (it's a teaching hospital) taking care of me all morning. He was so sweet and so excited to be apart of our special moment. He even had to write a paper about his experience. So basically I'm a celebrity. My favorite moment with Sam was when she guessed that I was a lawyer because I had cool glasses haha. In another life Sam. In another life.

Around 9:00am my OB came by to check on my progress and break my water. So no dramatic Hollywood water breaking over here. My biggest fear was that I'd be at Target buying pillows and my water would break. This didn't speed up the contractions fast enough so she also started me on Pitocin to ramp things up. That was super fun. My OB came back by to check on me again at 10:00am and said that I'd be ready to push by 10:30am! I was so excited to meet our baby, but also so nervous because I had no idea how to push or really how I was going to accomplish this altogether. I started pushing at 10:30am as planned but the baby wasn't progressing and it's heartbeat was dropping. They examined me again and it turned out that the baby was in occiput posterior position which meant that they were head down but were facing the wrong way. They said I could deliver like this but that it's very dangerous and that it would be extremely painful. And since I was clearly not feeling the effects of the epidural anymore. I was terrified. I immediately assumed I'd be whisked away for an emergency c-section which I was pretty upset about after going through labor already for several hours. However, the nurse had me rotate onto my right side for 15 minutes (while still stirrup-ed) and then onto my left for 15 minutes to get the baby to turn around. Meanwhile as I was doing this I had some intense contractions that were just on top of each other at this point. They told me that if it was more comfortable to push than suffer through the contractions, I could. So I kept pushing as I rotated from side to side. After rotating a couple of times the baby turned around and I was able to resume pushing normally. The cool thing about being able to feel everything is that you naturally want to push and you can sort of work with the baby as they progress.

My OB randomly came by for another examination, but saw that the baby was already crowning and that this was it. Go time! Up until that point I was "pushing" but it never really felt like I was accomplishing anything. The process of pushing was actually really difficult (to me). You are basically in a crunch position with nothing supporting you but your own ab strength (and if you've ever been pregnant you know how weak your abs are toward the end of pregnancy). I had Derek holding my right leg and the student nurse holding my left leg, but other than that it was pure ab strength keeping my torso off the bed. Also. Being in a crunch position with a watermelon in the way is definitely a task in itself. I then had to do three rounds of 10 second pushes. When I say 10 seconds, it goes something like this: "ONE! okay you're doing great keep adding to it.. TWO! thats great keep going you can do this just a little longer.. THREE!.. " and so on, which basically means that 10 seconds is about 30 seconds. I was thinking it would be 10 Mississippi's obviously. Then you go into the next round without relaxing. So by the third round you are just totally wiped. And this is all right after having a contraction. I was starting to feel like I was going to be doing this part for the rest of my life because I couldn't feel the baby progressing whatsoever. They asked me if I wanted to grab onto something to counterbalance the pushing. I said YES! Why was this not offered to me sooner?? So they had me hold onto these handles down at my side so it was almost like I was in a rowing position. These handles were everything. I now had something to pull on and not rely on my sad little abs. They said I did about 5 rounds (of 3 sets) of pushes total and the next thing I knew after one final push she was here. Olivia West Klepac, our beautiful and perfect baby girl with a full head of dark hair, arrived on Tuesday January 30th, 2018 at 11:47am weighing 7lb 9oz and measuring 20" long. We both were beside ourselves when we saw that Baby Klepac was a girl. Especially considering that EVERYONE was convinced she was a boy because of the way I was carrying. I even starting thinking we were having a boy. But when we saw our baby girl we both just kept saying "It's Olivia!" "We have a daughter!" "I can't believe we have a baby girl!"

The next thing I knew she was being whisked away to be poked and measured and cleaned up. The room went from a quiet dimly lit space with 1.5 nurses, to a bright bustling room with about 15 people in it in under 10 minutes. After she was all cleaned up and swaddled they gave her to Derek to bond and cuddle with while they finished up with getting me all squared away (more on that later. yikes.) Once I was all cleaned up and on the mend, they brought her over to me for our "Golden Hour" of skin to skin bonding. Our hospital is very big on respecting the Golden Hour period and they will let the mother and baby bond for a solid hour uninterrupted. This was such a special time. She immediately nursed and looked up at me with big beautiful eyes. I had been so nervous up until this point to meet this little person that I felt like I already knew for 9 months, but that was also a complete stranger. Would she like me? Would we bond? Would she know I'm her mother? The amount of love that instantly filled that room was palpable.

With both of our families living far away, Derek and I had told everyone that we didn't want any visitors in the hospital and wanted to just spend these first few days as a new family of three. It felt like time stood still during this moment as we stared at her every feature trying to figure out who's eyes she had and she clearly had Derek's nose. We just stared at her in awe. In the last month of pregnacy I started to worry that something would be wrong with the baby. How could two unqualified people make such a perfect little person? I mean when you think about the complexity and mystery of pregnancy that literally cells and DNA are coming together to create a tiny human with tiny organs and a tiny circulatory system is sort of mind boggling. As we held her though, we just couldn't stop gushing over how we made her out of thin air. After years and years of hoping and praying. Knowing that if our first pregnancy would have went to term we wouldn't have our Olivia. In that moment we saw God's plan and we knew that everything happens for a reason. She has ten fingers and ten toes and is a thriving tiny human. And she is all ours. It was a lot to take in.

After a while they moved us all up to our post partum recovery room where we settled in for the next two days. Everything was perfect. We had our little baby girl who was so cuddly and made the cutest little noises. I remember our first night after she was born they had her in a clear bassinet between my bed and Derek's pull out sofa. Every time she would make her little noises I would wake up and check on her. But I didn't mind. While she slept during the day Derek and I would just stare at her and talk about all of our hopes and dreams and fears of raising a strong and confident daughter in this very confusing world we live in. But in that moment we were in our perfect little bubble where no one could hurt her or break her heart. I wish we could have lived in that bubble forever. Just the three of us.